How to give a cat a pill (sent in by Harassed Mum)

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding  a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's   mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right  hand. As  cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and  swallow.

  2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

  4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear  paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of   mouth  with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call  spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between   knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get  spouse to hold head firmly  with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down  ruler  and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep   shattered  figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just  visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force  mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of  water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove   blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in  cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth  open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on   hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of  last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.   Apologise to neighbour who crashed  into fence while swerving to avoid   cat. Take  last pill from foil-wrap. 

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly  to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push   pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head  vertically   and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while  doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right   eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if  they have any hamsters. 

How to give a dog a pill

1) Wrap it in bacon.